I came Home feeling empty

Sometimes its just so difficult to express what is on my mind.

I came home feeling damn empty and hypocritical. It was supposed to be normal for me.
But today was different.
I talked to my sister and my mum and suddenly I was overwhelmed by the intricate and temperamental nature of life, of what my parents experience so far.

Then I started to reflect. What happened in the past that actually mould my personality, just personality.
Was it bubu or gracie?
What made me feel that arrogance is a strength even though I know fully that it is a damn flaw?
What made me so aloof even when my parents told me it is wrong since young?

I talked to dearest Sarah and Limin.
They told me I was "hard to reach".
I am not shocked, neither am I disappointed in myself.
I felt sane and calm.
But why? Shouldn't I be worrying?

Sometimes, when I look at them, I envy them so much.
I'm very impressed by Sar's ability to mingle and be clear-minded at the same time.
I envy Limin's vibrancy and almost care-free personality.
My strong friendship with them was somewhat based on what I lacked.
Towards each other, we are never stingy nor selfish. We take and we go.

Because of that, I want them to shine like the brightest start in the dark night.
I hope for them to achieve what I can't.

It sounds really cheesy but its true.

EMPTY
EMPTY
EMPTY

Towards work and studies,
I always felt that I can achieve more.
But the fact is, I remain rather stagnant.

I was once, a current following the river flow.
Something hit me hard in my head and I realised how much I want to stand strong to go against the current.
It is just so difficult to stay compose.

Seeing the struggles that my mum and cousin went through,
I don't deserve to be tired.

And I fully understand why I shouldn't be complaining.

Bernice